Oswald Chambers said, "Doubt is not always a sign that a man is wrong; it may be a sign that he is thinking."
So much of my Christian Faith gives way to questions. When I was young in the Lord, I thought it wrong to question the things that didn't make sense to me. Now that I've walked with God a while, I find myself asking many questions. Clarity is something I need. It's kind of like Order or Air or Food or Water. You understand what I'm saying. It's a "Type A" thing, I guess. Yet so much of our Faith is a mystery and often times I find myself walking blind. Not blind in the sense that I don't know Whom I'm following, but blind in the sense that "I think I'm behind you Lord, but I can't see through all this darkness."
What is it about the darkness, that makes us question what we know? I have a fairly small condo, and the layout is quite simple; it is just an open space with a bedroom on either end. I know the space like the back of my hand. Yet, when I forget to turn the light on in the bedroom before shutting off the one in the kitchen, it takes me a lot more time to get from one room to the other, even though I know the way. It's as though I had never stepped foot in this space and I don't have a clue what the layout is or how to maneuver through it!
Sometimes the darkness in our life is like that too. My hands are out and I am consumed with feeling my way through things when all I really need to do is recall (bring to mind and remember) that which I know. I know I have walked with the Lord through many dark times in my life. I know that when the time was right, God revealed Himself and what I needed. I know that He supplied everything I needed. I know that I could never have come up with the answer He brought to the situation. I know that when the light of Christ finally goes on, it will all be clear; maybe not all at once, but eventually. Yet, with each new trial that comes my way, I still have the same sense that it is pitch dark and I'm walking around blindly in this new darkness. Now, I have experienced more peace in the trials as the years have accumulated, and I have gone from shaking my fists at God to saying "in your timing, Lord", but, its still dark, and its still scary and the outcome is still unknown, and the doubts still come...
I can't help but wonder, if the darkness (trials in life) is meant to bring doubt. I have found in my experience, that the doubts I have, when I am walking through very difficult times, are not so much of who God is, or what He can do (His power), but I question who I am in Him. Do I have what it takes to cling to Him through this? Do I have enough faith to ride out this storm? Do I trust Him with every detail of my life? Will He really take care of me? Is there something I have done that would cause Him to turn away from me? (this may be my Catholic upbringing (?) or it may be that I just can't comprehend unconditional love.) In recent years, there has been a particularly large amount of difficulty and "dark" times in my life and at times I have been distraught by the amount of time it took for me to see God's light or revelation or illumination. What I have noticed, however, is that in those times, God has revealed something to me about Himself that has altered my thinking and released me to love deeper than I had before the situation began. My doubts led me to a deeper understanding of God. Perhaps, as there is a circle of life (lion king!) there is a full circle to doubt as well; and when doubt has come full circle, there is life abundantly!
As I grow in Christ, I realize more and more that very little matters, except how we Love one another. I am finding that all the trials in my life come down to this point. Sometimes I have chosen not to love, sometimes I simply didn't know how and God showed me, and sometimes I didn't understand the question at all, and God had to bring me through it and test me again, hoping that this time I would pass the test! I may be slow, but I am beginning to understand, its all about Love--for Him and for others.
Create in me a pure heart, O Lord. That I may love as you have loved. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment