I came home last evening from Charleston to find that my son, who is beyond angry with me for the move, had taken out his frustration against me on an antique coffee table that I love. Now, I KNOW that people are more important than possessions, but for some reason, that was not the first thought that ran through my mind or out of my mouth... I was furious. Enraged. Hurt, by his blatant disrespect and callousness, and most every other verb that goes along with that train of thought. I was a bit stunned that he would do such a thing and yet not. It was a personal attack; intentional and malicious.
I would like to say that I handled it properly, but even today, I am not sure what properly would look like. I know that somewhere in the speech that followed, I swore at least twice, so Strike 1, in the "not properly handled" category for the Spirit-filled mom, and Strike 2 in the grumbling under my breath after he walked away with not an ounce of remorse. Strike 3 that I went to bed without having dealt with the anger ( I simply didn't know how), and Strike 4 for not having slept a wink while I stewed in the outrage all night! When I got up this morning and let the dogs out, I realized that his rage continued to burn and he had destroyed someone else' property in the hope that we would be asked to leave the condominium complex, and in his estimation, I'm guessing, move back to where we came from. NOT!
Forgive me while I try and sort through this in writing. As I lay in bed last night, one scripture after another went through my mind. "do not let the sun go down on your anger", "bless those who curse you", In your anger, do not sin", Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but let your speech be edifying and for the building up of others." (sorry, these are my memory paraphrases, but you get the idea). Obviously I tried to take the focus off my son and be accountable to God for the sin on my part. You know, "take the plank out of your own eye" before trying to reprove someone else. Clearly, this is the next step--reproving him-- and I also think that restitution for the damage (at least the other person's) is in order. But how do I get to his heart?
That is the question I am putting before the Lord today.... If there is one thing I have learned on this 18 year journey with the Lord, it is that behaviors are a heart issue. Knowing this, does not mean that I excuse the behavior, but that I bring the underlying problem, the core of the behaviors, to the One who can heal. I am not capable of healing my son. Right now, I am trying not to kill him! But thank God, I know the One who is able to heal and do exceedingly more than I could ever ask or imagine.
Every time I walked by that table today, with all the obscenities carved in it and its broken leg, I was angry; but even more than that, it saddened me deeply. Not because this beautiful antique is ruined, but because the heart and eyes of my child are so darkened. Rebellion is ugly to observe, but it is also ugly for the one walking in it. In my outrage last night, as I was yelling at my son, I saw for a split second, a look of despair in his eyes. "Sin takes us further than we ever wanted to go and it keeps us longer than we ever wanted to stay". I'm not sure who said that--some wise teacher from my past--but it always stuck with me. I know, all to well, the disparity of rebellion. I know the shame and the burden of walking under the weight of it. I know what its like to not be able to look someone in the eye and the feelings that go with that shrug of the shoulder when you are desperately trying to pretend that the hurt you have caused doesn't matter. I am familiar with the separation from family and friends the rebellion causes and feeling like you just aren't good enough for anyone or any thing. That's anguish. That's the wage of sinfulness. The Bible says, "The wages of sin is death". And the road is paved in anguish.
I'm not sure I will be able to sort through this today, or even this week. But God knows the timing and the answers and the outcomes. I'm on the right track. Sometimes prayer isn't the only thing we can do, but it's always the best thing we can do.
If you would, please pray with me for my son. And let me know how I can pray for you. Thank you
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