The Giver

My former Pastor said there are 2 kinds of people: Givers and Takers.  I am quite comfortable in the role of Giver.  I enjoy doing for others and making things special.  I am usually quite willing to give of myself and offer a hand.  I am generous and hospitable.  I am a Giver.  Yesterday, I had a few ladies over for lunch and after they left, as I was cleaning up, I found a gift card on the table.  I began to feel a whole slew of emotions;  embarrassment, humility, happy, sad, confused, prideful, etc.  It was so strange for me to be on the other end , the receiving end of things, I just wasn't sure what to feel.  I literally struggled with this all night! 

As I was lying in bed talking to the Lord, He spoke to my heart and reminded  me of a prayer I had secretly prayed for years during a very dark period of my life.  I had been used and literally taken for everything I had.  I was angry and hurt and disappointed in myself for having been so foolish.  I was in a place where I felt safe having no relationships at all; so to avoid being hurt again.  This self-imposed isolation was the direct result of sin; my sin.    I couldn't forgive myself for having put my family through such an awful ordeal.  I couldn't forgive myself for having walked away from Church and to some extent God.  And I couldn't, for a long time, ask God for forgiveness, because I knew I didn't deserve it.  (As if any of us do)    Even though I prayed, I knew that God was not in a position to answer my prayers, because I was harboring unforgiveness.  The Bible says "What is bound on earth, is bound in Heaven".  I knew that my unforgiveness of self and others was keeping me in this prison of loneliness, self-hatred, and isolation, but I was stuck there and wasn't really sure how to break free.  I was the sheep who went astray and got caught up in the briers and could not get out.  So, I repented and  prayed..

I began with the obvious--the unforgiveness.  I began to pray that God would teach me how to forgive and how to love.  I asked God for His compassion and His heart for those who had hurt me so terribly and caused such destruction in our lives.  I asked God for a way to connect with people again, and to have healthy relationships.  I had asked God to surround me with people who were like minded.  And I prayed that He would "restore to me (and my children) the years the locust had stolen."  I thanked Him for never having stamped out this "smouldering flax".

As my heart began to open again, like spring bulbs coming through the frozen ground, I began to realize that He, truly, is the only Giver.  The Bible tells us that "every good and perfect gift is from above".   Today, I learned to accept the gift of someone else, someone Like-minded, which was my prayer, as if the gift were given from God himself. 

  Eph 5:1-2   Therefore be imitators of God, copy Him and follow His example, as well-beloved children imitate their father.  And walk in love, esteeming and delighting in one another, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us..."